Russell for president: we’ve done worse.

As the publishing industry comes under heavier economic pressure, publicity departments have been downsized and budgets have been reduced. Now authors are expected to generate their own publicity, and I’ve noticed a strategy I think could really work well for me: write a book and run for president.

And so with this blog, and the attendant Tweet and Facebook post, I announce my intention to form an exploratory committee to help me decide if I should get a reality show and/or be a commentator on radio and TV so I can talk about why I should be president and why you should buy Doc.

Here’s the campaign slogan. “Mary Doria Russell for President: we’ve done worse! Besides, she wrote a book about Doc Holliday.”

A slogan like that can bring the country together. At any given time, half the voters think that whoever just got elected is totally unfit for the office, right? But with a slogan like mine, Republicans and Democrats and Independents would all be able to nod and say, “Well, she was the secretary of the Lowden Elementary School PTA for a couple of years. Why shouldn’t she be president of the United States? We’ve done worse! Besides, she wrote a book about Doc Holliday!”

Here’s my domestic platform. From now on, everybody gets an education as good as John Henry Holliday’s. That means Greek, Latin, geography, grammar and rhetoric, mathematics, and music. No laptops in school, but everybody gets a piano.

I have a position on gun control, too: national passage of the laws that Wyatt Earp enforced in Dodge City. If it’s good enough for  the Long Branch Saloon, it’s good enough for a bar in Cleveland.

I also plan to pander to special interests. Awful jobs should get the best pay. Coal miners, soldiers, and junior high teachers should get $300,000 a year to start. If you enjoy your work, then you get the satisfaction of a job well-done, and minimum wage.

Foreign policy: I believe the Russell Doctrine will be considered both practical and financially responsible. From now on, if we’re going to invade anybody, it has to be Mexico.

Mexico’s got oil, and they’re cutting people’s heads off and killing civilians, but it’s way closer than the Middle East. This will make for a more reasonably priced invasion, especially when you consider that most soldiers already like Mexican food and tequila. They can live off the land. Bonus: with all our troops south of the Mexican border, we’ll be vulnerable to a blitzkrieg from the north, and  Canada would immediately impose godless atheistic socialized medicine on us.

By invading Mexico, we can cut the Pentagon budget way back, and if Canada conquers us, we solve the long-term Medicare and Medicaid problems. I’m guessing right there, I’ve eliminated the budget deficit.

What’s not to like? We’ve done worse!

Get your bribes and influence purchases in early by donating to the Doc Holliday Memorial Fund at Smile Train!

 

 

24 thoughts on “Russell for president: we’ve done worse.

  1. Hahahah!! You crack me up, Mary! But I would vote for you! 😉 I’m only half kidding – I WOULD vote for you! You can’t possibly do any worse! And you would be SO much more interesting to listen to! 🙂 This country NEEDS a major change! Bring it on!! 🙂
    Blessings,
    Elaine P.

  2. I would vote for you in a Yankee minute.

    On the strength of this early endorsement, I hope I might be favorably considered to take over the directorships of the NEA and the US Mint, organizations which would both profit from rigorous purge, followed by a merger.

    As members of the civil service, the soon-to-be unemployed bureaucrats of both agencies can be transferred to the armed forces, directing their energies to the defense of the Canadian border and thereby hastening our subjugation by the forces of socialized medicine.

    -a

  3. And Tim can head the newly reconstituted War Department! I’ll serve as your backup pianist for when you have to schmooze up close and personal — the rest of the time, just let ’em wait and catch you between sets like everybody else! We’ve done MUCH worse, so just remind folks to “Vote early and vote often” just like Chicago!

  4. And don’t forget to include your experience gleaned from The Sparrow! Putting that plank in your platform would explain where you stand on the “alien” issue. And thanks to “Dreamers of the Day” your knowledge of Middle Eastern problems guarentees a front runner position. When you are elected, don’t forget this small county in Tennessee will need some “pork”.

  5. God Bless you for a sense of humor amidst it all 🙂 I love this post! Now I’m off to see what my platform will be when I publish, want to be prepared and all 🙂

  6. I like it! I especially like your education proposal.

    However, Doc was another excellent book. I’d hate to see you waste your time on something as trivial as running for President.

    /b

  7. This is hilarious! I love you Mary.. you write books that entrall..
    you wocialize with your fans, and you have the best sense of humor. I am with you on special interests, and youget my vote. Early and often.

  8. This is hilarious! I love you Mary.. you write books that enthrall..
    you socialize with your fans, and you have the best sense of humor. I am with you on special interests, and you get my vote. Early and often.

    I tired to delete the first one. Long day at work.. sorry 😛

  9. Okay, now we know where you feel on the minor issues, but where do you come down on the “Happy Meals: Fries v. Apple Slices” controversy?

  10. Loved DOC. Hope you keep writing…Forget running for President…thankless task….Good books are better.
    Carlene

  11. Mary, that’s an excellent platform. Too well thought out and intelligent for actual success, but I could vote for it with a whole heart and a clear conscience.

  12. Just read this after reading Paul Krugman on wanting to play poker with Obama – lovely mental image resulting.

    But pianos for every kid? Nice … as long as they are electric – 100 million badly out-of-tune pianos and not enough people with the gift to tune them…. aarrrggghh!

  13. As only Doc could so eloquently quote :”Beloved Troy is in flames….The roar of the fire grows louder, the seething flame rolls closer….”
    Mary Doria Russell for President! We’ve done worse….Yes we have!

  14. I’ve long been of the opinion that anyone who wants to be president should, by that very definition, automatically be disqualified. However, the novel idea of someone who wants the job in order to help people had never occurred to me. (so terribly jaded, I know)

    I’m so enthused by this paradigm shift, and I liked the idea of invading Mexico so much that I’ve went right on ahead and done that for you, as I’m from Ireland it took a little time but damn it I’m here!.

    So, when you invade you’ll find a friendly reception to the new American overlords in a little town recently renamed El Loco Miguel. My new subjects have taken rather kindly to me and call me El Chiflado, I think it’s obvious that this means The Chief, an endorsement of their confidence in me as leader.

    You were right about the oil, I’ve found loads of it, they use it to cook everything; there is a type you need to avoid though, it bubbles up through the ground and gets all over your clothes when the locals – in some sort of quaint reception ritual – throw you into it.

    When you get here ask anyone where to find me they’ll be only too happy to show you. Their love for me is such that they often bring strangers around to see me and then stand around laughing at absolutely everything I say.

    I shouldn’t be too difficult to find, though, just look for the guy in the ankle shackles – some sort of mayoral adornment I presume – shaking his maracas with a very popular Mariachi band called: los criminales; a great bunch of guys, who unfortunately for them must be shackled to me as some sort of committee.

    VIVE LA PRESIDENTA RUSSELL!

  15. I’d say you’re onto something here, even if the whole president thing doesn’t pan out. I heard you name at a book club and came to your website to learn more about your work. After reading this delightful and brilliant post, I’m absolutely going to read you books, and I’d certaonly be willing to consider your candidacy for president.

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