Well, not mine, specifically, but she did refer in a sort of general way to my announcement back in July that I intended to form an exploratory committee to help me decide if I should get a reality show and/or be a commentator on radio and TV so I can talk about why I should be president and why you should buy Doc.
This morning in the Wall Street Journal, Noonan wrote, “The worst trend in politics that emerged [in 2011, was] people running for president, not to be president but as a branding exercise, to sell books and get a cable contract and be a public figure and have people who heretofore hadn’t noticed you now stopping you in the airport to get a picture and an autograph.”
Which is exactly why I ran! So I’m really thrilled that Ms. Noonan is paying such close attention to my campaign. And it’s paid off, too. Not only did tens of people express an interest in supporting my candidacy, I was in fact recognized in public twice, although not in an airport. Once was in the vet’s office when I was renewing the thyroid medicine for our elderly golden retriever, Leo Lebowski. And then last week, I was picking up a picture at a framing place and a lady said, “Hey, you’re the one who writes books, right?” to which I said, “Yes! Thanks!” even though I didn’t actually know if she liked my books, or had read any of them, or if she just knew that books were involved in my life somehow. I like to believe the best about people, so I assumed she thought it was nice that I write books. That’s why I said, “Thanks!”
Anyway, since we’re closing in on the Iowa caucuses, this is a good time to remind you that I’m running for president and that my campaign slogan is “Mary Doria Russell for President. We’ve done worse. Besides, she wrote a book about Doc Holliday.”
Now, I recognize some people feel that a slogan is not sufficient evidence of my seriousness. So I have a platform, too.
Here’s my domestic platform. From now on, everybody gets an education as good as John Henry Holliday’s. That means Greek, Latin, geography, grammar and rhetoric, mathematics, and music. No laptops in school, but everybody gets a piano.
I have a position on gun control, too: national passage of the laws that Wyatt Earp enforced in Dodge City. If it’s good enough for the Long Branch Saloon, it’s good enough for a bar in Cleveland.
I also plan to pander to special interests. Awful jobs should get the best pay. Coal miners, soldiers, and junior high teachers should get $300,000 a year to start. If you enjoy your work, then you get the satisfaction of a job well-done, and minimum wage.
Foreign policy: I believe the Russell Doctrine will be considered both practical and financially responsible. From now on, if we’re going to invade anybody, it has to be Mexico.
Mexico’s got oil, and they’re cutting people’s heads off and killing civilians, but it’s way closer than the Middle East. This will make for a more reasonably priced invasion, especially when you consider that most soldiers already like Mexican food and tequila. They can live off the land. Bonus: with all our troops south of the Mexican border, we’ll be vulnerable to a blitzkrieg from the north, and Canada would immediately impose godless atheistic socialized medicine on us.
By invading Mexico, we can cut the Pentagon budget way back, and if Canada conquers us, we solve the long-term Medicare and Medicaid problems. I’m guessing right there, I’ve eliminated the budget deficit. Course, it’s just a guess.
So, if you live in Iowa, I’d appreciate it if you would go to the caucuses and try to get me a few delegates. I’ll even provide you with a script for the discussions. You could say, “Well, she was the secretary of the Lowden Elementary School PTA for a couple of years. Why shouldn’t she be president of the United States? We’ve done worse! Besides, she wrote a book about Doc Holliday!” I think that’s compelling enough to get me up there with maybe Rick Perry or Michelle Bachmann’s delegate count.
And if you’d like to bribe me or purchase some influence in the future Russell Administration, I will remind you that we in the Russell campaign cheerfully accept donations to the Doc Holliday Memorial Fund at Smile Train. This year, Smile Train corrected over 100,000 cleft palates for children around the world. Thanks to all of you who contributed in the first six months of Doc‘s publication. Together, we have provided 50 of those new smiles!