Well, my fellow Americans, I got fewer delegates in Iowa than John Huntsman but I am not discouraged, and I am NOT a quitter like Michelle Bachmann, who told everyone that she’s America’s Iron Lady because she read a biography of Margaret Thatcher and discovered that, “We have a lot in common.” Hah. What a joke. I didn’t just read a biography of Doc Holliday, I wrote a whole novel about him. That’s got to count for something!

So now it’s on to New Hampshire where I’ll be resorting to negative ads while complaining about the low and vulgar tone of modern political discourse.

I plan to steal a clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, where the Bridge of Death troll asks the knights three questions. I’ll photoshop my opponents’ faces onto the actor’s bodies, see, and when the third knight goes flying into the chasm, I’ll have a really deep-voiced announcer say:

SOME politicians flip-flop about their favorite color. Mary Doria Russell has always been partial to lavender and always will be, although admittedly she is playing around with teal blue these days, but only for accessories. She also thinks green can be quite attractive, not that she is pandering to environmentalists. Mary Doria Russell for president. We’ve done worse. And she’s written a book about Doc Holliday.